Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Not today
