Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
You Might Also Like
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
At least try to make it slightly believable
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
This did not end as expected.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”