Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
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A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).