Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
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Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
incredible text to wake up to
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?