Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.