@TheAlexNevil

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

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@audipenny

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

@SgunSuperman

It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.

@ArfMeasures

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

@NoogsCorner

Take Dr. Seuss, make him a black midget with chronic asthma and give him access to Urban Dictionary. Behold, Lil’ Wayne.

@drankturpentine

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

@cuckoo_cachu

Husband has fake roaches that he sets up around the house to scare the shit out of me 24/7. I’m putting out positive pregnancy tests. HA.

@momjeansplease

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

@LindaInDisguise

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

@shot_of_cabo

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.