Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
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wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
2 years later
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?