Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

The most accurate map ever devised.

Am I having a stroke?

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too