Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
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This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”