Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
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wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together