Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
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Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
OH. COME. ON.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.