Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

Milk Cube

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

ㅤ

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.