Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
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Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks