Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
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Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons