Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
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that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many