Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
🥴😂
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
an airline just for babies.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?