Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

Oh, I bet you would be

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”