Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?

HER: camembert

ME: me either

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.