Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
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The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
called in thicc to work this morning
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.