Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
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*bounce*
*dabs*
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*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
⛄️
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume