Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
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How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year