Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
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What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret