Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
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Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.