Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
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8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.