Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!