Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.