Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
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Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Donkey Kong sommelier
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.