Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”