Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
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I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.