Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

I’m the neighbor

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

Great game to play with friends

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️