Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
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my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.