Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
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*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
no one likes gloating
