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-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.