Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
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I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am