How do Mexicans cut their pizza?
With Little Ceasars
*drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*
Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I’m dying!
Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!
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WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.
Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.
Dating is bull shit
him, on one knee: will you marry me
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*