Basically.
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Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE