Basically, any European coat of arms:
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reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳