Basically, any European coat of arms:
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts