Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
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Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”