Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
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I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
don’t message me unless you have this energy
scared to check what name she chose
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
mentally somewhere in italy
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
went fishing caught a bass
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”