Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
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You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.