Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
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Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st