Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Thursday
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Monday?
No. Next question.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.