Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
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ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*