Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
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son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Tammy is short for Tamuel
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing