Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
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Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Morning.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!