Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
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Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White