Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
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Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Goat cheese is for herders.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*