@ninjadinosaur1

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

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@Rikidus

Saw 10: nickelback on repeat for 24 hours and to get out of the room you have to talk to Ann Coulter.

@thebeckyard

Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.

@ArfMeasures

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

@aparnapkin

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

@elunatyk

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

@living_marble

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

@solsayswhaaa

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

@IAmMikeFeeney

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

@fro_vo

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist