Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

🤣✨#caturday

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.