Basketball games are very squeaky.
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Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you鈥檙e the port. It鈥檚 still good but a little hurtful.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I鈥檓 an adult.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: 鈥OXES!
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 馃ぃ
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let鈥檚 me choke on my own spit.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
According to my accountant, I鈥檒l have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.