Basketball games are very squeaky.
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When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
How do you constantly lose your lighter even tho you’re the only one in the house?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?