Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.