Basketball
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“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*