Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here