basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
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Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.