basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
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[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The Book. The Movie.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?