basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
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me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
What a year we’ve had this week.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.