Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

this FaceApp is creepy af

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

😆

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

Me in tagged photos

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest