bat life
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9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese