Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.