*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
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Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
rip to my favourite tweet
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.