*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
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MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it