Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lmfao

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

😂👽

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them