[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
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Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Sharon, call the vet
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
🙋♀️
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.