Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon