Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
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I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.