[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I found your tweet-up…
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
