[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Happy Febuary everyone!
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
