[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
