[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
scares
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
