[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.