[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
The fall of Netflix
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Milk Cube
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
