[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
