[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
