Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.